What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 15:01
So whats the point in blame.
She wouldn,t have been !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I write beautiful poetry .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why do ugly men flirt with girls that are really hot?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But, we were locked up after school.
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She was in good health!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We were not on the streets..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I said to her
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im still living with it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was 9 years of age.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
What did i know ?
Ive learnt so much.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I waited trembling.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Comes on , in middle age.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My family never makes their pension either.
This is soul school!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She married twice! .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Put me off passion for life!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Who then, do I blame.?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It was going to be , some day.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I think the readers, may guess!
When she asked me how she looked .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
Why did i forgive my father ?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
All the time i was locked up.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was scared of men, in general
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We all went to grammer schools
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I have no regrets .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I will be 64.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She loved him until the end.
Would this be the day?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One cannot live in the past .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He knew the spot.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was very sick at this time too.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I could never make a relationship work though!
I don,t even have a pension.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But it wasn’t much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Was to survive, this bastard.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She found it foreign!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And i lived it daily.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So, i spoilt her more .